Happy 2021 Everyone! Or whatever. It is upsetting for me to reflect on the now decades I have claimed to love writing, yet many of my entries document my creative block. I feel adverse to the vulnerability of writing because interesting content I conjure is the mirror of my bare soul. It doesn’t seem like something other people should or would enjoy.
I suspect I was traumatized by the Western school imprisonment that is full of hamster wheeling and chain gang like experiences. But no one else had that problem? Well many didn’t. Arguably, many more do. Perhaps all the coercion of my early creative arsenal has given me an adverse reaction. The next blog post could chronicle a strong argument of my experiences. Like all rationale, this is a sorry excuse and the only way to get past is to face my demon, which is somehow my soul? (Crap)
Being an Acupuncturist and Herbalist in my last position I was working in the trenches for insurance referred patients, many who felt they were wasting their time there and overall conditions had reached a dead end. Consistently, they didn’t know why and they would exclaim that. “Such and such hurts, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat healthy and I don’t know why.” “I don’t exercise I don’t know why.” “I woke up today and my right arm really hurts I don’t know why.” “I won’t take supplements, I will forget to take them, they cost to much money.”
My job requires my energetic “mind and body” which has many names and many explanations all around the world, which would be a library of books in itself, but “energy” is all the narrowed English language has to offer me. My energy has to open a door to listen to their energy, attempt to find a way out the current physiological stalemate of current, future and past illness. Much of this is done through a western diagnostic process, but this system fails A LOT. At that point I rely on a deeper feeling, an image, a word, a phrase, a point, a channel, two channels interacting, an herb or supplement. Its like an answer to a test, if you change it, it is probably wrong. There is a guide in the chaos, Zang Fu medicine.
This open door also can feel the state of the whole subconscious (subcoinscious) energetic body and ummm yeah, this year has taught me how to install a deadbolt.
This energetic door that I must open and close is in everyone. It is apparent in the way interactions with others can really dictate our feelings. Even interactions with strangers. I had to figure out how to use mine in 2006 when I was first working in massage therapy. Because I could swing it open but without the internal skill of closing all the stuff coming in was becoming an illness. How do we overcome these illnesses? HELP. My mentor and boss took me to lunch, she told me my work was not consistent and I had become ungrounded. Time to learn self care and boundaries and responsibilities to yourself and others. Huh? I was also 22 at the time so life in general was an external puberty.
Much of the time, around 70% I would sense, people left their treatments on a new road. They walk in, even if they previously felt Acupuncture would not help them, I ask them: open the door let me in. I open mine find my keys, use the meridians to rebalance the body and mind/spirt aka “Shen.” They may have still had a tire that was leaky, or a squeaky belt but the voyage has again set sail. I tell them they have the power, time to get disciplined with self care or you will seal your fate of the dead end.
As pervasive as my writers block has felt, the past six months I have opened the vessel of reading through audiobooks. (Tree frogs croaking outside the window.) Without the squinting, crook in my neck and cramp in my hand from holding a book (I am very wood element, prone to rigidity and stagnation.) But my ears are open canals and my brain wants MORE MORE MORE! I have consumed literature like an addict and perhaps it will free me from the block, that feels like a dead end. I had been going back and forth about joining Instagram thinking if I leveraged the connections I have, build a following, exploded like and insta star. Instead I have abandoned all social media besides Goodreads and LinkedIN. Perhaps my fear of no one being interested in my soul is because I am not terribly interested in the soul less volumes of riff-raff my fellow humans are ingesting at an alarming rate. So here I am alone in 2021.
Things change, no one knows why. We make the choices to change or we are stuck forever on a road with nowhere to go. I feel far far far away from being alone. A mosaic of beautiful talented caring people hold my hand on this long road. I was able to take a road trip to San Francisco and Big Sur a couple months ago. Everything happened there, I fell in to the vortex of infinity just like all the writers talk about. I met a pleasant fellow who studies the brain by doing math, because turns out they have discovered 10,000 types of brain cells with out knowledge of what the majority of those cells actually do. And there is probably more. Take those braincells for a walk, watch out for the dead ends.